I woke up on the couch as I had for the last few days.  Today was another first day.  I was nervous about the new responsibilities.  The last six months were a blur of acting like nothing happened, despair, and denial.

I stopped at the bakery and bought two quiches.  Put them on the table and went to the conference room.  I told myself I would figure it out.  Excel wasn’t that hard.  Ask questions.  Be open.  This is your second chance.

I looked up and saw the three of them.  Oh no.  This isn’t about words of encouragement.  In a second, I felt my whole body close up.  Looking back, the image is of closing the drapes.  What did they say?  I am not sure.  All I told myself was this time I will not say a word.  I’ve been here before.  I know how this goes.

“Just tell me where to sign”.

I wasn’t sure if my voice would work but it did.  I walked back into the office and quickly took what I could.  My only thought was don’t leave your phone and take his letters.

Once I left the building, the sunlight was too bright.  I ran as fast as I could numb.

Did this happen again?
Did they tell everyone else yet?
How am I supposed to go home?
Should I go and sit by the river?
I can’t take subway. What if someone sees me?
I can’t call him.  I can’t call him.  He isn’t there.

There was one final earthquake left to bring down what was left of my prior life. That happened a few weeks later at the end of April a year ago.

54 weeks.
54 weeks since the last earthquake.

I overheard him say today, “When she leaves, there won’t be anything to take with her”.

You are right old man. That’s the way it will be.


What comes first?

I don’t know how to fix this.  I can’t make it better.  And I tried.  And I tried.

And I tried…

Darkness can seep in even with the best of intentions.  To be able to draw out the topography of your life, you are already viewing the wreckage.  You can spend forever not knowing but once you know, the impatience and anger at lost time sets in.  In reality, it should be a comfort to be impatient.  It implies there is a goal, a direction, a destination.

So what comes next?

May Day

Do you notice ever anniversary, good and bad?  I can finally say every nuclear bomb has past.  From this day forward (a year ago), it has been a phase of assessing the mess and rebuilding.  As much as that may be an insignificant milestone, it brings relief.

How did I commemorate May Day?  I woke up early and went to the gym.  It was leg and glutes day, specifically hamstrings.  I finally discovered the squat rack and am now in love its flexibility.

Continue reading

Les choses qui change

I had been talking to the taxi driver for the entire ride.  About his wife, family, family back in Ivory Coast, how bad my French was, and my uncertainty about the future.

“Every phase of your life is a season”.

Was it that simple?  Is that the secret?  I remember I sat in the back of the taxi and remembered being told the days start to get longer in January which is coincidentally the depth of winter and my least favorite month for the bitter cold and darkness.

My life has been in transition for several years now.  It finally feels very close to being in a rebuilding phase.

Step 1 will be fitting in my workouts!  I have been lucky enough to dedicate alot of my time to fitness for the last year but as seasons start to change, efficiency will be key.

I will be posting my workouts throughout the week along with starting and ending times.  I am looking forward to the challenge!

Bad habits

It’s funny the things you notice once you are far enough away.

There are days I say to myself, fuck man I was a bloody idiot.
There are times I say what was I thinking?

Maybe those bridges are burned and you are saying the truth.

But tomorrow is booty day at the gym.  So I gotta keep going.


For whatever it will be worth, going to the gym was my saving grace. In the middle of a hurricane, it was the hour (or two), I accomplished something and some of the fog dissipated even if for a few minutes.  

So I made it a habit.  I made it a sanctuary.  When everything else was crumbling, it was the only place I could strengthen something.  Myself.  

Quads and glutes

Barbell squat, 4 sets
1 set of 50lbs, 3 sets of 70lbs

Superset, 5 sets:
Bulgarian split squat with 45 lbs barbell
Glute hip thrust with 50 lb dumbbell
20 jumping jacks

Superset, 4 sets:
Step ups, front and lateral (20 reps, alternate F and L)
Single leg Romanian deadlift with 45 lb barbell (6 per leg)

50 jumping jacks

Sumo Squat on Smith machine, 3 sets
20 and 30 lbs, 10 per set

Leg press, 3 sets

Superset: 3 sets
Glute circle
30 jumping jacks

What do these days look like?

I was thinking today of the seasons of my life.  One was definitely pizza, another red wine, another whiskey, but this one has to be defined by the squat rack, blue walls, and faint hand calluses that remind me of the bad ass shit I did this morning.  Dainty hands don’t help you achieve your first 70lb deadlift.

Transition periods in your life can test every drop of resolve and grit you have in your body.  Having something to hold onto has been my saving grace.  And I’m still in the woods.  But barbells help.

Workout of the Day:

Sumo deadlift,
2 sets of 70 lbs, 1 of 60 lbs

Sumo squat
1 sets 65 lbs of 15, 4 of 50 lb

Superset, 5 sets:
Step ups lateral (20)/hip thrust (10) with 45 lb dumbbell

Superset, 3 sets:
Mountain climbers
Glute bridge with leg raised (5 reps per side)

Superset, 4 sets:
30 jumping jacks, glute kickback to leg out 45 degree angle (8 per side)

Hamstring curls,
4 sets, 3 of 40 lbs1 of 55 lbs